Today would have been my last 2 scheduled studio classes before taking a break from teaching in the run up to baby’s birth. I decided to cancel the class- something I don’t do lightly because I know today I do not have the energy to give.
This process of pregnancy so far has been an amazing opportunity to practice yoga, as it manifests in living, and to reflect on the challenges of just that.
Immediately I felt out of control of my body. I trust it totally- it seems to know what it’s doing- but I have had very little say once the innate processes of pregnancy were put in motion. Apart from the obvious foundation of support I can offer my body- looking after myself- I have had to practice letting go, surrendering, daily. I thought I practiced this on my yoga mat, but it is one thing to sit with yourself as you are, or to be in savasana/ corpse pose, (a practice designed to prepare us for the ultimate surrendering of the body) it is another thing to accept yourself fully as you navigate through life adapting and accommodating change. Of course the first is preparation for the second.
It is in the nature of accommodating and accepting that I decided to significantly decrease my teaching and will take my last class for a while at the beginning of December. I am very happy with my decision and so grateful for the fact that I am able to adjust the energy I am expending in this way, I know many women don’t have that luxury when it comes to work. Despite the knowledge and sense behind these changes I have found my ego popping up more frequently (perhaps it’s all the extra time on my hands!) Ego is frustrated by the opportunities that I am not able to pursue, concerned by the effect that a break in teaching now may have on the future. Ego looks at other non pregnant teachers and feels jealous of their brimming schedules, ego looks at pregnant teachers and feels inadequate in comparison. Observing and quietening the ego has been a large part of my practice of late, in a strange way I have enjoyed the sense of conflict arising, it makes me think of a definition of Hatha- forceful- as if in the heat of this point of conflict resolution and balance can be obtained.
By practicing kindness to myself (ahimsa) and non grasping/greed (aparigraha) I feel as though I am strengthening not muscle but mind, not movement patterns but patterns of behavior. I hope that this will make not only my pregnancy a more positive experience but also deepen my formal and informal practice of yoga- and eventually when I’m ready again my teaching.